I feel you. I really really tried to get on the body positivity train when I weighed 225, but even in those moments when I could get past worrying about what other people thought, The reality was still that it was so hard to buy clothes. It was really hard to travel, and impossible to keep up with my husband when we did. My knees and my back hurt all the time; I was in my 30s. And don’t even get me started about seeing doctors. They blame fucking everything on obesity.

It’s better now. I’ve worked very hard to develop new habits. I count my calories obsessively. I go for a 2 mile walk nearly every day. I’ve gotten comfortable using elliptical machines, and going to yoga. I’m about 50 pounds below my highest weight right now and some things have improved: being able to find clothing that fits, my doctor taking me seriously, some of the back pain. But I’m still fatter than a woman should be according to everything I see in the media. I’m still incredibly self-conscious when I put on a bathing suit. I think some of the mental hangups we have about being overweight are perhaps permanent and definitely part of living in this society as a woman. I’m not suggesting that you need to or should do what I did. You probably have a different path. I hope you can find it, and find a way to live with yourself that isn’s painful and is sustainable.